NEW YORK YANKEES STAR DEREK JETER DEAD AT AGE 30!!!

by George Schmidt

In the sad conclusion of a story I have been following since the beginning of the baseball season, New York Yankees star shortstop Derek Jeter has succumbed to cancer. The end came after his team's latest heartbreaking loss to the Boston Red Sox. He also was not helped by Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling pulling the plug on his ventilator.

Jeter had been in a hospital bed for well over a month now while his biological twin Sam took his place. After an extremely slow start reminiscent of a Special Olympics athlete, Sam ended up playing exceptionally well. His death is being covered up just like his illness was, however. I asked his doctor, the famed Rodney Papufnik of Staten Island why there is this malicious coverup going on. Papufnik called me an incongrous toad for not knowing that this would break the hearts of millions of overweight, lonely teenaged girls in love with him.

Jeter grew up in Kalamazoo, Michigan raised by wolves, and was stricken by polio at age 7. He could not walk until he was 9, and his medical calamaties did not end there. At age 12, he reunited with the parents that had left him for dead inside an abandoned junkyard. One week later, he was struck by an early model Trans Am, and was paralyzed from the neck up for several months.

After the paralysis wore off, Jeter found a sport he loved called baseball. I personally have no experience with this game, but I hear millions love it. Anyway, he hit a home run off of a young, up-and-coming chap named Curt Schilling. This event left a bitter, indelible mark in Schilling's fragile psyche, perhaps leading to the ventilator unplugging incident.

Schilling was quickly arrested for murder, but since Jeter's condition has been more hush-hush than Drew Bledsoe's urinary tract infection, Schilling was charged with pulling the plug on a "John Doe." Schilling, however, wildly yelled that he had "got that punk Jeter." On par with any incident involving athletes and the law, Schilling was quickly released from jail and given a five-star police escort home.

Originally Published October, 2004