In 2001, a new football league was born. A league that brought in-your-face action, attitude coming out the wazoo, as well as semi-nude cheerleaders. Most men would consider this heaven. Planet Earth called it the XFL.
The brainchild of Vince McMahon, the XFL was a cross-country football league that our esteemed editor Charles J. Willington referred to as "mass devil worship." The league felt that they needed the witty commentary of Jesse Ventura to lend credence to his broadcasts, as well as an innovative series of camera angles that would take viewers to areas previously unchartered by the wussier television networks.
Alas, the league failed. Viewers were unwilling and not ready for a football league whose game outcomes were not shrouded in a veil of conspiracies and hidden agendas. Real football would have to wait. That is, until now.
A National Journal of Truth poll given to a group of farmers in southwest Tennessee saw 100% of those polled demanding the return of the XFL. These people craved for the return of the league, and felt betrayed by NBC for cancelling the games. Well now with the addition of the fine people at Spectravision, the XFL will return. Teams will play in dusty sandlots and abandoned prairies, reflecting the hard-nosed, legitimate groundbreaking action that the league wants to embody. Games will be free to the public, with a free rodeo taking place after the game.
Players will be taken from lists of soon to be released inmates, parolees, as well as people on welfare who need a job. They will be paid in circus peanuts, as Brach's Candy are the sponsor, and they need to get rid of their lesser selling products.
One thing that will be improved on are the halftime shows. Instead of having professional wrestlers such as the Rock or the Undertaker discussing why the XFL will be the #1 football league, there will be entertainment such as a spaghetti eating contest, a contest to see who can build a tunnel to China through the 50 yard line first, as well as barking like a dog for free coupons to the local pizzeria.
With all of the framework to be successful in place, the XFL will be the type of league that the fans can be proud of, and that the Journal of Truth is proud to endorse.
Originally Published October 2003